What It's Like to Shop When You're Trans, Non-Binary

December 13, 2021
Victoria Bouthillier

If you've ever tried on clothes under the halogen lights of a mall fitting room or bought garments online only to find expectations clash with reality, then you know finding the right clothes is a scale that can range anywhere from treacherous-minefield to encounter-with-bliss.

In fairness, our clothes often have tall orders to fill. While the criteria varies from person to person, clothes, generally, have to fit right, feel comfortable, and affirm our sense of selves. Easy, right? 

In a world that is (little by little) opening itself to a spectrum of sexual and gender identities, the sphere of clothing largely remains firmly rooted in gender binaries. If you're trans or non-gender conforming (or both!), the upshot can involve navigating clothing racks and virtual aisles with uncertainty — disillusionment, even.

Curious to learn more about what the experience might be like, we chatted with Elliott Tilleczek, a Toronto-based researcher and queer podcaster. While their personal experience is as unique to them as their fingerprint, we gained some valuable insights on their own journey of self-expression, the highs and lows of shopping as a trans, non-binary person, and how brands can create more inclusive spaces.

Hi Elliott! Tell us a little bit about yourself.

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Elliott in the Good to Go Oversized Sweater and Jogger in Celery

I’m a wearer of many hats, I guess. Right now I’m working at the Queer and Trans Research Lab, in the Bonham Centre at the University of Toronto, while also getting my PhD in Sociocultural Anthropology and Sexual Diversity Studies at the University of Toronto. At the lab, I’m the Multimedia Content Producer and my main role is to create and host our podcast, the QTcast.  

In my dissertation research, I’m looking at the platform politics of social media and how they interact with forms of queer activism and erotics online. I’m actually currently in the fieldwork stage, conducting online ethnography and interviews, so please reach out to me if this sounds like something you’re interested in! 

Outside of the university, I also co-host Do You Queer What I Queer? podcast, as well as working as a freelance photographer, videographer, and writer. Like I said, many hats, but the through-line is definitely my interest in the power of storytelling and the beauty within queer and trans communities. 

As a trans, non-binary person, how are clothes an instrument of self-expression?

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Elliott in the Leakproof Dream Short in Black

Clothes are an instrument of self-expression to us all — everyone and anyone who lives relationally amongst others. This is a difficult thing for me to articulate because clothing doesn’t — or shouldn’t — have a gender. 

Clothing is a form of self-expression, and there are aspects to gender that are about self-expression, but that’s not to say somebody’s clothing should dictate their gender. It’s that fine line between finding ourselves in what we wear and how we present, without reifying certain societal assumptions around clothes and the gender binary. 

On a personal level, my relationship to clothing as an instrument for self-expression has been…complicated. I’ve had real moments of darkness where I’ve felt like I may never find a way to actually look how I feel, but I’ve also had moments of gender euphoria where I feel like I’m finally paying attention to how I feel inside. 

It's honestly a difficult feeling to put into words, but since I think stories do a great job of saying what we mean, let me tell you a quick one:

When I was 12 or 13, my parents took our family to Toronto. On the trip, my mom took me shopping on Queen West. With the help of a very kind employee, I found a hoodie I’d been looking for. While ringing up the purchase, they said “this is a really cute sweater but you lose yourself in all that dark fabric,” and then, jokingly, “it’s like you’re trying to hide or something!”  

It was one of those moments where you feel like a complete stranger has just exposed you in front of the world. Honestly, it did make me more aware of the drive behind my decisions around self-expression, but also, what a way to mortify a young, closeted kid who’s barely figured out their sexuality, yet let alone their gender. 

I always think back on that story, and on all the years I spent repressing certain aspects of myself, and the sad kind of comfort I got (and still get) when I realize I feel safer in clothing conventionally considered “masculine.” Clothing has been such an important instrument for my self-expression as a trans, non-binary person because they’re a way for me to explore my relationship with myself and to those around me. 

What has the experience of cultivating your own personal style been like?

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Elliott in the Cozzzy Crew Top and Track Pant in Smokeshow

It's been quite the personal journey. When we went into lockdown in 2020, my way of being with others changed drastically, and I spent a lot of time exploring my gender and being more vocal about my identity. It was tough, as everyone knows, suddenly losing this vital kind of recognition from others, and not having a physical space to explore or have feedback on your self-expression. 

Gender, as my therapist reminded me at that time, is inherently relational. It does not exist in a vacuum. So, I started experimenting with my style and listening to my own desires more seriously in lockdown, and being more public (online) about my trans, nonbinary-ness. The support and positive feedback from my friends and family was overwhelming, and I’m so lucky for it. I think it’s important, too, that I mention finding my own style has meant me doing a lot of work around confronting my fears and internalized issues thanks to misogyny, transphobia, and femmephobia. 

It’s been a little bit scary to feel my own insecurities creep up again when I’m presenting as femme in public now, but it’s taken me a long time to realize that the safe road for me is not the one that will make me happy in the long run. Also, I’ve not always made the best choice style-wise and I’m still very much figuring it out. I bought some real ugly and ill-fitting dresses online over lockdown, let me tell you… 

What can brands do to be more inclusive of trans and non-binary bodies?

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Elliott in the LuxeLift Pullover Bra and Leakproof Dream Short in Black

I mean, there’s a lot that could be said here, and much of it would be addressing overarching, structural issues. I think there’s still a lot of work people could be doing inside themselves, trying to unlearn the gender binary and decolonize their ways of thinking. And brands can be more sensitive to how their representation or reproduction of strict gender binaries can be harmful to people (both cis and trans). 

I think one of the most important things clothing brands can do is to understand that the way they choose their models, language, and campaigns needs to reflect the actual potential person buying the clothes, which means that some people buying the clothes may not look or be shaped how one may assume. 

The first steps in doing this can be as simple as having more inclusive sizing charts that explain the fit of the clothes in greater detail and featuring trans models. One final note, and I swear I wasn’t told to say this, but as a person assigned male at birth who’s self-conscious about their shoulders and torso, these Knix clothes fit me so well and I’m so comfortable in the shapewear.  

Elliott Tilleczek is a PhD candidate, photographer, and podcaster